i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
