dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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