dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
