Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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