new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
