I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I intend to get homeless drunk
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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