if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
