This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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