So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
