Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
