we have officially lost it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
