No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
