I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
