why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
