Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
