i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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