you win again, gameday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
