I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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