I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
