The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
