I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
