I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
