i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
