Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
