Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
