Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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