Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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