Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
