her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
