I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
