im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
