Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
