the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
