K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
