So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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