Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
