I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
