I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
