I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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