I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
