so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
