Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
