I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
