I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
