I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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