I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize