my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
