We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
