i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
