O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
